My ego was my source of refuge and
I am proud to say that it is my home. At times when crisis knocks at my
doorstep, the door and the walls protect me even from the horrors of the world
that budge through like a storm that challenges the house’s foundations. The more
I treated it as a home, the more it grew into a castle and with it are
fortifications that are meant to repel invaders from plundering. I build walls
to protect what is within even if it was useless. Gold is just a rock yet
people died for it, so too are thoughts. My thoughts are just machinations of
my corporal self, my brain gone hay wired. Why give it importance? It will not
stand the test of time and it will fade. Worst, what is its use when the world
will end? There will be no one to hear them and also, even if I were to put
them to ink, it will be forgotten. Far more disastrous is being misinterpreted.
Maybe, we all are not meant to go beyond our lifetime. It is best for us to
simply be at the moment and do not yearn for immortality i.e. a delusional
future after my death.
Time is slow and often freezes
when we are in pain. Pain endures while happiness is bliss. Its sting irritates
and is pesky enough to endure. It teases you until we hope for death to end it.
People say live in the moment, but cannot say such about pain, for it is an
eternity in the moment that torments. Can I say that those who seek happiness
want to meet death in the fastest way possible knowing that it makes time fly
so fast? Happiness shortens time, quickens it. Is happiness the normal path to
suicide? It seems that I am immortal when I am in pain and I do want to lift
the curse by killing myself. The irony! It is pain that makes us live but in
want of death, but happiness makes us live fast to die and in want to live
more. Happiness is to death while pain is for life. We came out from our mother’s
womb while she was in pain. The first emotion was expressed by a cry and
shriek, the language of pain. Happiness is suicide.
They say that truth will set us
free. Free from the crowd who champions being many than being right. That
freedom renders us in isolation, alone but right. Loneliness is an abysmal sensation
that truth sometimes try to console. But the truth are just words, ideas and
thoughts, not another person’s approval, not an embrace and not a smile. I
think I can swim better if I go along the tide than to go against it. Truth cannot
kiss nor hug, no warmth and no face. (I am reminded of V for Vendetta.) Since I
am both flesh and blood, I need touch to tingle my skin and truth cannot give
that. Truth makes me sit, makes me think and furthermore, distances my body
towards a pool of floating gibberish. The truth is not partial but the crowd
can. The crowd can empathize but the truth is iron cold. Sometimes, truth
delivers us to loneliness and sometimes it is even better to be in a crowd that
being right. Rarely do we have the best of truth and the crowd altogether.
Man
is weak to face the truth. He masks the grim reality with his wonder drug –
happiness. Pain makes an eternity in a moment and we cannot deny that the world
has plenty to give, that is why we need an escape, a delusion to relieve the
sorry state of the angst of living. Happiness is trivial, pain and suffering is
our confrontation of the world as something – a series of nothings that defies
our state of calmness. It is in the staring at the abyss that we know that we
exist because the abyss stares back at us. Happiness does not look back, it is
all about surrendering consciousness and let things be, a state of passivity,
while pain makes us actively engage through the hurdles brought by manifolds
and forms of nothingness. I am weak, I need that drug, but pride tells me to
face life as a man and not to evade it by temporary relief. Face the grim fact
of existence. I see smiles in a psychiatric ward often.
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