Fin?

 

Last 2012, there were hearts on fire that both had their first shared flame in an unlikely place. I was thirsty for love coming from being dormant while she was searching for a redemption from a series of broken hearts. Both struggled to find their place. Both trying to live their lives free from the hideous chains of a dark home. I must admit that I fell for her beauty and add to that, her care. As we both clasped our hands, it was a committed long shot to have the perfect rest for our hearts.

It was a bit strange to have an affair under the noses of all that is forbidden both profession and a line of faith. Nothing was wrong as long both were in the ecstasy of love – no malice, no foul play, no trespassing of wills. That moment was a perfect episode in a romantic film – one where young love sprang amidst treacherous circumstances. We lived through the happiness of newfound belongingness and the battle of keeping that alive.

4 years before the wedlock were filled with ups and downs with 2 big setbacks but those were phases that made the thirst for commitment ever stronger. On that summer of 2016, the vows were spoken, the knot was legally tied, and it was a moment that was meant to seal commitment and to silence the agents that were against us. It was freedom from our hearts’ content.

It was not all rainbows and sunny days. Marriage is a constant work in progress both as a modality of the expression of one’s love and appeasing relationship and social obligations. Be it that mornings and evenings were not so cold when both were side by side. Be it that days seemed less of a drag when you got that one company that lights up your soul even in moments of silence. Blissful were the days when both jokers met for a good time for a good laugh. Togetherness fought against loneliness day by day.

2019 was a huge stretch. Distance was a challenge. Heartstrings were pulled from one end to the other but under the same time zone. Frustration was felt when I failed to go where she was in the world at that time. How carpe diem was the theme when she had 3 and a half days for a quick break here in the Philippines. The days were a mixture of fast pace in getting the agenda right and slow moments getting close to the skin. With a snap, distance and the virtual were the main course until the last day of work. Instead coming home early, pandemic struck. 3 more months to wait until she came home. The excitement was strong in fetching her from the quarantine facility. The feeling was unmatched. How much more when it was skin to skin again.

We had one big trip under a year filled with tragedy. After that, 10 years was swiftly going down the drain. It was strange, peculiar, frustrating, tiring, draining, horrible, and all other negativities I can muster. A decision was made. A switch has been flicked. It was already brewing before but I thought things were slowly sorted out accordingly to pace and with what was available in a step-by-step manner. 2022 simply pulled the plug that drained the tub. Here I am. Running empty. Running dry. Confused. Lost. I am staring at that drain thinking how to get all that water up again – but I see no water – just darkness. I manage to sip from the few remaining drips. Sadly, that is all that there is.

I am tired. A decade and a little bit more went down the drain.