I remembered I
use to write what I felt for my wife especially when I first knew her as a
person that fancied my attention. It was the moment when I felt extreme joy and
so too is her name that I cannot help but write my heart in the desire, the
passion, and the mixed emotions I was into. The first time I saw her and begin
to notice her, she definitely fueled a passion that I had never experienced in
my life and that is the longing to be with someone and for that time that
thought reached to marriage already. However, early as it was it was good to
dream, fantasize an eternity with her. As every typical bachelor goes for the
time being I went for my future and that was to pursue her.
The spark during
those times was so immense that it drives mind active when thoughts of her and
if not, she herself is in front of me having strolls or having a good meal
together. I kept telling to myself back then she is the one for me. Her
gentleness, kindness and being soft melt me into being that alpha male to take
care of her, provide for her and make her feel happy as much as possible. I
felt giddy when it was that time in the day wherein we have to steal moment
just to have a dinner outside school premises since there was the taboo of a
teacher to student relationship. Up until now, I reflect on how of a movie like
was our early romance. Challenging norms and hiding till we made it full known
that we were in a relationship.
As the years go
by, my fond for her, my love for her grew immense that it can be considered a
sickness to say that I am obsessed with her. An obsession that I happily allow
to happen because I have not thought of anything else what my life would be
without her. In fact, I hate it when the thoughts in my head entertain an
alternative history wherein we never met. It breaks my heart not to see this
fragile but beautiful lady especially on what she has brought to my life so far
until now. I am obsessed with that I want to repeat my life if there is any
form of reincarnation or an eternal reoccurrence with her and in the right time
and in the right sequence. All five years of togetherness counting also the
moments that were rough, we so perfect a life and I still await the future of
how perfect it will be even more. Dark compliments the light, such as fights
are mere spices of life and the essence of it all is to stick together no
matter what. I truly love her.
To love is to be
attached. I am never a fan of love which is letting go, because we are not in
the dubious phase anymore for we have entered marriage to bind ourselves for an
eternity. I am attached to my wife as her presence alone makes me light, her
smile and her voice I miss everyday. Her warmth when we cuddle makes all
sickness go away and I swear every time I hug her my mind vanishes in blissful
moment of happiness of acceptance and being with someone to love and to be
loved. As we continued our existence as a couple, together, I am more immersed
into who she is and that makes me want to be more with her. If I die early, I
just pray that I can still eat her cooked food for I personally know no other
heaven than a meal prepared by her. All those good morning, off to work and
just impulsive kisses makes me a complete man and no other can make me feel
such.
I maybe
swallowing within my fears and insecurities and writing this one while facing a
picture frame given by one of her friends and facing a hard heart to consummate
the emotions but no matter what this picture of her smiling while on my back
melts my heart often if she’d only knew that I stare often dreaming of her in
her absence both in presence and in the communication lines.
There is also a
dark side to dreams, dreams that are not just pleasant but the ones that
wrinkle your heart to oblivion. Those wherein that you were sweating hard and
pumping much blood running, crying, reaching and fighting within a subconscious
state. I am a man who has a hard time moving on when nightmares come. Death of
my sister, my brother, my father and mother all makes me in a state of dementia
when I wake. A dementia that nails my heart often and no matter how my eyes are
looking at reality, appreciating what is real, my eyes haunt me with the faces
of the nightmare even at times they are obscure. I have not talked to my sister
for a time way back before when I first had that dream when nanay woke me for I
was crying hard when I was the one who died and I was a ghost simply following
her in a lonely war torn lobby of my elementary school. I had problems talking
to my younger brother when I was dawned by a murderous scene and I was the
witness and he was slowly stabbed to death while the rest of my body I felt I
was being pulled to inaction and cannot respond. Maybe indeed, the nightmare I
have is not about their death, but me in failing to protect whom I hold so dear
and this so follows with my wife, the one that means death if I were to let go
of her.
I have grown
into fondness with my wife, she has given me joy and my nightmare haunt me and
want to tweak this sanity I have. So many times I have dreamt of losing her, to
death, in time and worst among all is to another man. I have seen that at the
depths of my subconscious that I fear of losing her to another man, to a man
who can steal her away. Just recently, the worst of nightmares came and that
was to see her in intimacy with another man and this time a much clearer face
associated with a name. It was the same as my body was drawn back cannot fight
to stop but just to watch it happen while I am being impaled, frozen, helpless
and I was shouting in the inside. Their smiles killed me. I cannot reach out
but I was able to do was to kick the base of the bridge as hard as I can to
close the scene in front me. I cannot understand the intensity of the feeling I
had not only that when kicking the bridge was hurting enough, then I began to
be awake noticing I am kicking the floor. The fury in my heart was immense, I
was drowning I could not breathe. And it was wrong for me to yearn for my
beautiful wife there at my side when she was all tired from work as it is very
wrong to interrupt a body recuperating from stress.
That face haunts
me, all of the sudden, that face haunted me. The face that stole her haunted
me. As my heart wrench in deep isolation in the night my fear, the greatest
nightmare so far being with her and is associated to her is still locked in
reality as I carry it in my head and my heart. Strangely dementia. I kept
wrinkling my head that I have to erase it. I hate these nightmares. Although
they remind me of how I truly love those people who I cared for, but please,
forgo the torture! I cannot withstand even to be a free floating spirit
watching my wife have an affair. Even if jealousy is an issue supposed to be
long gone, but no matter what, we always have it as it defines how attached we
are to a person. Not that we perpetrate it to happen, but if it crosses our
minds it one fire hard to put out. My demons are inside my head and hard to
fight, hard to erase. And if they deal with the people I love the most, it
attacks the obsession I have, an affinity with those I care.
Under no
circumstances do I want to lose my wife. I cannot think of another world
without her. Indeed I say, that with her is being the best of all possible
worlds. I cannot imagine not hearing “babe” from her voice in my life. All the
most, I cannot imagine that the smile meant for me goes to another one. Her
smile caught me, her smile is mine and it pains me to see it given to someone
else to substitute me. She is my only woman, the only wife that I am to be with
even until the end of my days. Nightmares are troublesome with a mind such as
mine. I need her more. I need her always. A little bit off jealousy can add
spice to what I feel for her, but do not worry this is not jealous rage. I just
want her hugs and kisses, the scent of her hair, the warmth of her cuddle and
her delicious food. She completes me. In the fear of losing her made me feel
that I truly love her and in this schizophrenic-dementia-jealousy I am in at,
made me want to hold her. But the face that stole her is still strong in
presence. I love her. Do not take her away from me. I cannot erase the times we
have spent for that memory is precious to me.
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