It has been
three years and I have never regretted nor doubted the fact of my marriage to
her. The decision was borne out of choice and borne out of love and if it was
not, I could have moved on and changed my direction when our relationship was challenged
and cut off during those years. Yet, I chose to stay not because of conscience
nor was I forced to but because I truly love her. Stern as I am, I rarely give my
heart to people. I can relate and talk with almost anybody, but most of the
times they are simply mechanical as if I was condemned to interact given the
situation that I am in. However, I am the kind of person who carefully selects
who to be intimate with. I can be there for anybody, but I chose not to because
I can only be with someone who I know is worth it. My wife is worth it.
We had so much
conflict before, especially when she was still in the process of overcoming a
problematic home environment, role confusion and deep sense of self-pity coming
from self-doubt. Having those as part of her persona, those for sure collided with
me being too confident with my own self-worth and strong philosophies. Add a
confused and naïve way to look at one’s religion and thus we have a sour
conflict. However, during those turbulent times I wished that she would open her
eyes to look beyond the veil of the belief systems that were more of the herd
than of the truth itself. I cannot say that my prayers have been answered the
moment she opened her eyes for I do not mumble words aloud or in silence in the hope of waiting for
them to magically happen, but the conditions were right that the best people
there is to her faith (that she managed to come into contact with) reflect the
same words I said even though deviant I am to the flock. The thoughts of even
the well professed reflected my own and I thank that situation, for that was the significant trigger that
burned the veil to see what I always have seen and that was her awakening She came back and then we met eye to eye, head to head. From then I said "she was not
born again because that would be too bad making us children again" (innocent but not mature) but "Oh my! She
has grown." Not by some fancy ritual, but the mind began to see and chose to see.
There are things
we disagree about but I am confident that she is slowly expressing herself and
not anymore cowering behind a fatalistic stance. Her silence coming from self-pity is
slowly going away because she now knows that the best way to be understood is to
say things and leave little room for interpretations and be more accurate thus the need to articulate. She
has grown and the more she grows, the more I grow fond of her, the more that my
love burns for her. She taught to me to be patient while waiting for her
metamorphosis. Butterfly as she claims to be her spirit animal, and I was part
of her journey in breaking that cocoon for her to fly. I am proud to say she
drew her strength from her own but I know and I so too claim that that strength too
came from me. Her elan vital. She loved me before but this time, she loves me
even more coming from an awakened consciousness and eventually leading to be an enlightened individual. I
have seen her strong enough to accept my marriage proposal, strong enough to tear and break the cocoon and fly, taking to hold that this world she lives in can
be shaped by her and not by ultimate whims of contingent individuals who claim
to be her superior and authority. Her existenz came to being. I am happy that she so too
decided to unfold it with me at her side, forever in a tied knot.
The day she
walked down the aisle was the day she told the world “I am to live my life by my
decision. I am no longer a child, and you (others) will soon die and be gone, I
need to learn to stand and I need to stand and not just stand but also move and
now here I am walking down the aisle.” Since she is one of the very key people
who my heart holds dear, other than a very few heartfelt friends and family
members, so I cried as she walked. A Spark’s cliché will have to name such
event as "a walk to remember", but I truly mean the cliché. I cried because she never
ran away and she chose me at that profound moment. I cheated! I do not want to display how I am so
vulnerable coming from an edifice of a ‘man who cannot be moved’, so I relied
on my sunglasses to cover the tears. Let the tears that rolled down behind the
black shade of the aviator be the symbol of my love and my thanks. My eyes are
already ‘chinky’, crying would make them disappear and that does not look good
for me on photos. At the end of the day, I abide by this thought to comfort me –
“she could have left, she could have chosen another one, she could have loved
another when we broke up, BUT she continued to love me and even chose me to be
her lifetime partner.” The possibilities of her life without me haunts me
because I do love her and her disappearance pains me, but those possibilities cannot
match the actuality that I have right now and that is, being with her. She could
have, but she did not and that I am thankful.
Three years and
counting and I know I have my shortcomings. I am not that too much of a show boast
of giving you gifts, but the burning of my love is so immense that I drown
myself with it either basking it in silence, looking straightly without seeing
anything, closing my eyes at moment’s rest or the plain fact of being with you in the same place and so close.
You know how much I love you when I tell you that I resent the times that you have become the victim in my nightmares. Comical as it may seem, I have drafted four propositions to
make you a happy wife of which I derived from our experience. These propositions carry a sense of sarcasm if you wish
to look at it like that, but it is a comedy for me, because these actually worked and I know they will continue to do so.
I love you! I mean no harm with these, but just think and recall the times and
you will just laugh.
A)
When you are right, you should be right and I
should support that.
B)
When I am right and it disturbs you, then I
should shut up, should not flaunt it. Peace is better than truth but only for the
meantime.
C)
When you are wrong, I am not to point it to you
and just wait for you to say that to yourself.
D)
When I am wrong, I am wrong and nothing follows.
Again, I have
never regretted that I chose you. I am thankful that you chose me. I am looking
forward to a future that even though I fail to count or keep track the number
of our anniversary, I know we are still together. I miss you! Happy
anniversary. I am waiting for you to come home.
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